HOW TO HEAL YOUR DIVINE FEMININE

Hi… it’s been a minute.   Over a year, if we're counting.

(Stolen from the early '23 archives...)

If I were to give 2023 a theme, I’d have a few of them: 

- Spiritual Ascension

- Business Building

- Imploding Boundaries

- Pain Tolerance & Thresholds

If I were to really be truthful in how I spent 2023, it was very much exploring the concept of Self-Brutality.  Testing my Limits.  Establishing boundaries just so I could lift the rope and allow someone else to cross them or even for me to do it to myself. Who's fault is it? Of course, MINE.

I set out into 2023 with the sole intention of building my business, Magickal Thinking.  But Universe had a funny way of dangling carrots to distract me from fulfilling my Highest Purpose/ Greatest Good just for to see if my intentions were pure.  Did I pass that test?  Fuck no.

I got a job offer with a popular network 18 months after I went into retirement.  Nobody is getting offers in my industry right now - unscripted folks are being starved out of their jobs.  Every time there’s a (much needed) strike, specifically unscripted producers are hit the hardest and are the quickest to be overlooked…. actually, not overlooked - straight up swept under the carpet.  Thrown off the cliff.  The sacrificial lambs of the industry.  Anywho… I’m not in the biz anymore for a reason.  

But I missed Storytelling and it was with a great company & producers, so I took the job and shelved Magickal Thinking for what I thought would be four months. But from the very beginning, every boundary I’d set was blown to bits because I’d forgotten how merciless being a Showrunner was.  Four months turned into seven. I still didn't know how to say "no" to anything in my life. Enter the Brutality. I still had clients I read for in Asheville, so I was working Mon-Fri on the project and being a Medium on the weekends for five of the seven months.  I was riding two horses at full speed with one ass.  Needless to say, I was destroyed by the end because of being pulled in two different directions. Again, my fault.

However, three pretty amazing things happened in this time frame:  

- I realized I was still that Bitch.  Leaving the Asheville bubble was difficult, but when I traveled to New York City, I filmed on a rooftop in Times Square, where I’d worked as an intern at MTV in 2003.  Full circle, Baby. I felt in my power once again.  Walking around Manhattan, I marveled at my journey and how hard I’d worked to get there - and I appreciated that, once upon a time, I'd truly lived a fabulous life.  

- I healed what I call my “Showrunner wound."  Towards the end of my time in TV in 2021, I realized just how much my morals didn’t align with my industry.  I’d been thrown under the bus by too many other producers who lacked the talent or ability to manage a shrinking budget & schedule, and nobody was interested in telling a compelling story anymore. The news platforms I worked for were more interested in selling out for views.  But in 2023, the executives I worked with - across the board - were true Collaborators.  All professional feminines. Nobody belittled me or my ideas and everyone just wanted to put their talented minds together to create something fantastic and fun.  I can honestly say, I left that experience renewed, knowing that good stories are in good hands out there.  

- My Mediumship expanded.  In the last decade of my time in television, I produced in the genre of True Crime.  But I wasn’t practicing active mediumship back then.  On this 2023 project - my psychic flags were all flying.  While I was filming in the town where the crimes/ murders happened, I was experiencing the Dead coming to me in real-time and was having flashbacks from the perspective of the killer himself.  I was already stressed the fuck out, because everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong on this shoot. My team & I were in lock-step, working 24/7 to keep it all together. And there I was, all the while being visited by the two dead people every night in my hotel room and having psychic flashbacks of the killer in real time as we visited the body dump sites during the day.  It was surreal.

After I drove back from my final shoot In October, I decompressed for one week before diving right back into building my business.  Definitely not enough time.

Next fun fact: 2023 was also a year of being brutal with myself around romantic Love.  The top of the year was spent mending fences with - I can’t believe I’m writing this out loud - CM, the dude who broke my heart in 2021.  He’d broken up with the girl he’d cheated on me with and asked if we could forgive & be friends.  This lasted about three months until I realized I was being an idiot by just being his friend.  I feel like my Higher Self & collective Spirit Guides were like “Babe, what the hell are you doing?!”

I started dating someone in June and that’s when I truly detached from reality.  This person was probably the most emotionally avoidant, unhealed individual I’d ever met.  He romanticized this emotional constipation by calling himself "stoic.” I’ll admit, the pool is pretty damn shallow in Asheville and he was cute, so I dated him for four months out of curiosity to see if I could make any of it work. I ignored his lack of sense of humor and his pride around being callous. I won’t go into details, but in my time with him, I experienced some really brutal interactions, both physically and emotionally.  I felt like I was testing my ability of how much I could handle - and truth is, I realized I was my own worst enemy in so many ways.  I walked away from that relationship in October, and took a Scorched Earth approach to Love and how I allowed myself to be treated.  I hit therapy really hard and abstained from dating altogether, as I needed to find my Boundaries again.    

(This was where the Cord-Cutting came in.)

As I'm writing this, I worry that people will question my capacity to give advice as someone who holds Space for others.  But guess what?  No one’s perfect.  Anyone who has sat with me knows my messy story - and most importantly, what I've learned from it. Also, if you truly get me, you know I'm not some weirdo floating on a Lotus flower, spouting messages and pretending to be perfect. I tell it like it is.

However - the one thing I do take seriously and am not brutal with is my Gift.  And this is what truly saved and maneuvered me back onto my crooked path to Spiritual Ascension.  

(One of my Full Moon Pop-ups with a wonderful friend)

Let's talk Spiritual Ascension and the balance of the Divine Feminine and Masculine. 

Ascension is when you move into a deeper devotion to your Spirituality. In Mediumship specifically, it’s when you experience shockingly exponential growth of your Abilities.  For me, it was not just expansion of my psychic/medium abilities but also how I perceive Energy & the Universe.  For example, I realized that there’s a lot more to Past Lives than just the life itself and that Consciousness is not linear.  Sometimes, we don’t just have a Past Life, as pieces of our Higher Self can break free and travel both back and forth in time to assist different versions of ourselves.  Non-human consciousness is not limited to inter-dimensional beings - they also can be vibrations, colors, deities, archetypes, or just simply energies.  Angels are energetic cheerleaders not even remotely tied to a deity.  And the cool part is, we can all be ALL OF THESE THINGS.  Any of these energies can choose to be humans in one life and experience the mess it is to experience emotional free will.  I can go on and on about all of this for literal days.  

But in my Spiritual Ascension and expanded knowledge, I was now being called to balance my Divine Masculine & Feminine, as they were out of wack.  Let me explain what that means.  The Divine Masculine expression is being in power, calling the shots as a leader, having a strong moral system, working logistics without any expectation of an outcome.  But being in your “toxic masculine” can look like abuse of power, greed, jealousy, avoidant emotional attachment, toxic negativity, narcissism.  On the flip, Divine Feminine is expressed through implicit trust in your Intuition, exploring your Higher Self, healing your Inner Child, being abundant and allowing things to come to you - not chasing, but attracting.  The toxic side of that nature is emotional manipulation, anxious attachment, Mother/ Sister wounds, and also unhealthy competition with other feminines. 

I should also note that none of this is Gender Expression - it’s literally energy and we all have some sort of balance (or the lack thereof) of the Divine Feminine & Masculine.  

Being a business owner & Showrunner (simultaneously) forced me into my Masculine mind.  This wasn’t beneficial because my Spiritual Ascension into my Divine Feminine had started in March 2023.  I was already receiving information, downloads and rapid expansion of my Abilities whether I could handle it or not.  I'd even tried to slow it down by self-sabotage (also a toxic masculine expression) and it didn’t work.  So, from March through October, in all of the things happening with my career & my relationships, there was a war waging between my Divine Masculine and my Divine Feminine.  

(My Self-readings were INSANE during that time)

In October 2023, I realized that I needed to lay down all of my Swords and surrender.  It wasn’t easy - in fact, it was pretty ugly.  I had to do some really heinous Shadow Work to understand why I was being so brutal with myself.  I can’t be a Magickal person if my Mundane world is in chaos.  

So, I made the choice.  My Divine Masculine still lives within me when it comes to logistics & business, but my Divine Feminine won the War.  No more brutality, no more crossed boundaries.  Most importantly, no more Pain. 

And as soon as I made that choice, I softened.  I focused on my Gift wholeheartedly and honed my Commitment to this being the only Purpose that would drive me forward in life.  I grew my friendships and became extremely cautious in letting people into my energy in my personal time.  What was most surprising was me opening up to Love.  I met someone in December and we started out as friends. I released any expectation or fear around it.  I just kept showing up and so did he - a Masculine healing his Divine Feminine.  We’re still taking it slow, allowing for our own journeys to continue, but in full support of each other.  And the craziest thing is, my heart is open again.  Everything could change tomorrow, but I’m finally grateful to feel my heart, because it’s been years since I've felt this much energy.  

In coming fully into my most Divine Feminine expression, I’m realizing that the challenge and goal is to continuously remain gentle.  To be whole and embodied.  To allow my Heart to be the guiding light and centrifugal force, knowing that all the energies, people and otherwise, will find their way in the right time and the right place.  

So, here’s to 2024’s themes:

- Deepening the Meaning of Love

- Discovering new Divine Feminine Expressions

- Deleting SZA's "Kill Bill" from my Most Played list

- Working with my Spirit Guides to hone my Gifts 

- Helping Others heal their Inner Child, find their Divine Feminine & discover their Gifts 

(Come on, it's a great fucking song. So cathartic.)